Strung Up
by the ersatz diplomat
Summary: Gilderoy Lockhart is pompous, Sirius is irate, and Remus practices Defense Against the Dumb Arts. Marauder-Era, featuring James, Peter, Lily, a periwinkle picnic blanket and...dun duh duh... the Giant Squid.


**Title:** Strung Up  
**Rating:** K+  
**Word Count:** 780ish  
**Warnings:** This is crack...  
**Prompt:** Gilderoy Lockhart and _yarn_.  
**Summary:** _He peered at himself in the curve of one girl's glasses, taking no notice of the angsty, tumultuous teenage storm that was Sirius Black, advancing toward him with an air of malice and not enough butterbeer. _Remus peforms Defense Against the Dumb Arts.  
**Author's Note:** For my dear duck_or_rabbit, who should've gotten it months ago for her birthday but I'm so damn slow. *is not worthy* Also, I wanted to do something profound about Gilderoy but what happened ended up being M(ish)WPP vs. Lockhart with some Lily Evans thrown in for good measure. I liked the thought of them all being around the same age... O_o

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Late afternoon sunshine fell in rays over the mountains, glittering on the surface of the lake and illuminating the perfect blonde hair of one Gilderoy Lockhart, who was sitting on a periwinkle picnic blanket near the water's edge, gesturing grandly to the giggling girls grouped around him. Whoa there, alliteration.

For all the attention he was receiving, Gilderoy was desperately sad that the lake did not afford a place where he could check his reflection in the water and still remain out of reach of the Giant Squid. He peered at himself in the curve of one girl's glasses, taking no notice of the angsty, tumultuous teenage storm that was Sirius Black, advancing toward him with an air of malice and not enough butterbeer.

"Somebody's in our spot."

"That's…er. Lockwood, I think. Gilbert, or something?" Remus ventured, while Sirius was, with that gleam of familial madness in his eye, glaring at poor Gilbert or whoever.

"Come on then, let's go talk to him."

Wouldn't it have been nice, Remus thought, to be able to stay out of the turf war he was certain would ensue, because he couldn't serve another detention if he wanted to keep hiding in the prefect bathroom when Peter wanted help with Potions homework. Sirius was in a foul humor, anyway, after receiving a Howler from his mother and being accosted by Snivellus, who had been lurking in the courtyard, harassing anyone who wasn't greasy or evil; neither being dusty and wayward nor sticky and malevolent counted in Snape's books.

"Talk to him? Lily says he's a pathological liar."

"…I don't know what that is, but he's a pompous prick if I've ever seen one."

"Takes one to know one, eh?"

It took Sirius a moment to get it – Moony thought he was much funnier than he actually was – and he shoved Remus headlong into the nearest Hufflepuff. That should teach him.

"Budge up," Black growled at the blonde Gilbert or something, surrounded by the group of girls that should be surrounding _him_, not some bloody fourth year from bloody _Ravenclaw_. "You're in our spot."

"Sirius, isn't it?" Lockwood, or whoever, grinned widely. "I wasn't aware this spot belonged to anyone."

"I wasn't aware—_your mum_ belonged to anyone."

"Honestly, Sirius, that was the lamest 'your mum' joke I've ever heard." Remus had caught up, still carrying his books, breathing heavily and looking more than slightly put-out. Sirius glared at everyone with equal opportunity loathing and Lupin reconsidered his approach. "Quit carrying on about it. Let's all be adults here, we'll just go somewhere else."

"Why don't you go be prefecty _somewhere else_." Sirius snarled and turned back to the Ravenclaw boy, looking wroth. "As for you, Gilgamesh; budge up, or I will budge you."

"I don't think I will." Gilderoy jumped up and crossed his arms over his chest. The girls began to disperse, collecting their bookbags and scattering back toward the castle.

"Look, Sirius. Apparently Goldilocks here thinks this spot is just right, so why don't we head back to the common room and I'll write your Transfig essay for you, yeah?"

"I say we duel for it. I _am _Captain of the Dueling Club, I'll have you know."

"Fine by me," Sirius snapped. Lockhart took a few paces back, drew his wand with a flourish, and Black rushed him with a rugby tackle, whaling away with both fists.

"Not my face!"

"Ooh, a fight!"

James appeared, flanked by Peter, and both leapt into the fray, swinging wildly and shouting obscenities. Remus took a step back, pushed up his sleeves and drew a wand from his back pocket.

"I've had all I can take of this rampant idiocy."

_

Lily Evans was patrolling the shore on evening prefect duty when she came across a most unusual sight. Dangling from a tree overhanging the water, cocooned in the unraveled yarn of a purple picnic blanket and gagged with his own Ravenclaw tie was Gilderoy Lockhart. The Giant Squid reached a slimy tentacle out of the shallows and prodded him repeatedly, mostly on the arse. Sirius, trussed and hanging over a branch like a cannibal's captive, had one of his own socks stuffed in his mouth. James, much to her amusement, was spinning in a slow, counter-clockwise circle, and Peter was upside down, his jumper slipping over his face. Remus was sitting in the crook of a tree root, reading in blessed silence.

"You know, you could've just taken House points."

Remus looked at her over his book and raised one eyebrow in an uncanny impression of Professor McGonagall.

"Or not."

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Review, or I'll set a prefect on ya. XD


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